5 posts tagged “rants”
It looks like a bruised peach, honey.
You took something that was already inherently perfect--the female breast--and just thought... Thought you'd improve on it? Can't be done. They were perfect to being with. Well, maybe not yours, but plenty of 'em are. Although, actually, yeah, yours are pretty outstanding.
And now the little voice that lives in my head and tells me to stare down all boobs he's up next to the voice that says "Hey, let's see what that tattoo is all about" and they're in this hellish shouting match with the little voice that says "don't stare at women's breasts, it makes them uncomfortable!" And let me tell you, the don't stare guy is gonna lose.
How could he not? You have a tattoo on your titty.
Why the hell do hospitals advertise their emergency rooms? More and more, I see these ads in print and on television, promising me that the care in this ER or that one is tops in the region, technologically advanced, and blah blah blah.
But you know, man, if I was, say, shot in the head, I don’t think I’d really comparison shop when it came to emergency rooms. No sir, if I was shot in the fucking head, I can say with total confidence that the one and only selling point that would matter when it came time for me to choose a hospital would be proximity to my gaping fucking head wound.
And furthermore, let me just say right now if I am ever loaded into an ambulance, only to have the EMT look back at me and say, “So where’ll it be, buddy?” like I’m hopping into a goddamned Yellow cab, you bet your ass before long, I’m not going to be the only one in the car who needs some frigging medical attention.
Although, I do hear Northwestern Medical is the best in the state at foot/ass extraction.
The anchorman says “Stay tuned for these commercial messages. We’ll be back with analysis and reaction.”
And I sit there for a minute.
Did he just say “Stay where you are, because after we finishing telling you how to spend your money, we’re going to explain to you what you just saw and then tell you how to feel about it”?
Maybe I seem like the perfect person to write a vicious rant on how Valentine's Day is a big hunk of crap, a marketing ploy intended to leverage love as a way to separate suckers from their cash. After all, being bitter about life and love and calling everything a hunk of crap is pretty much my thing, right?
But honestly, if I read one more sad sack blogger's tired-ass rant about hating the manufactured falseness of Valentine's Day (which is basically just overeducated single person speak for "I do not have a date today and it is really chapping my ass") I'm going to roll 'em in nougat, dip 'em in chocolate, and stuff 'em into a
Whitman sampler.
Get a fucking grip. It's just a holiday. And you know what? It's a pretty harmless holiday. Today, millions of couples are going to enjoy each other's company and indulge in a little bit of romantic tomfoolery. Even if you're not among them, that's no reason to be bitter.
Because even those of us who don't have dates ought to have the sense to look around at all the people who do and realize we have pretty decent odds of finding someone of our own sooner or later--someone who has a nice laugh, holds some amount of sex appeal, and smells better than average.
So really: get over yourselves. It's all over tomorrow anyway.
An Incomplete List
acupuncture, afrocentrism, alien abductions, Amway, angels, Area 51, aromatherapy, astral projection, Astroturf, backwards Satanic messages in rock songs, the Bermuda Triangle as a place where ships/planes tend to disappear, the Bible Code, Bigfoot, biorhythms, that Bush is a moron, that Bush could take a psychological screening test without being red-flagged as a psychopathic personality, Cabala, cattle mutilations, the Celestine Prophecy, censorship of any kind--no matter how offensive the subject in question may be, chain letters, chakras, chi, chiropractic therapy as anything other than a massage, chupacabras, clairvoyance, the closer (in baseball, the concept that it's practical to save your best reliever to pitch the ninth inning), cold reading, the collective unconscious, creationism, crop circles as anything other than a clever prank started by drunken Scotsmen, the death penalty as a successful deterrent against murder, Deepak Chopra's teachings, the Democratic party as any less corrupt than the GOP, Dianetics, that equal opportunities exist for women, ESP, the evil eye, exorcisms, extraterrestrial visitors, the "face" on the surface of Mars, fairies (the pixie-ish kind), fakirs, feng shui, the Fifties as an ideal time in American living, fortune telling, Freudian psychology, ghosts, that gingko biloba aids memory, that giving people black eyes is a fun party game, God, that handguns are effective at home defense in a manner that compensates for handgun accidents, haunted houses, holistic medicine, homeopathy, that homosexuality can or needs to be cured, horoscopes, the I Ching, the Illuminati, that Israel is somehow less culpable than Palestine in West Bank violence, Jeane Dixon's psychic predictions, that Joseph Lieberman (or any other Jewish man) could really be elected President in the current political climate, that Kansas City barbecue is superior in any way to Tennessee or North Carolina barbecue, Jungian psychology, karma, levitation, that living together prepares a couple for marriage, the Loch Ness Monster, love at first sight, that marijuana prohibition is cost-effective, that masturbating excessively will make you blind (really hope I'm not wrong there), that Maury Povich sees those deformed kids he's always bringing out as anything other than freak show attractions, Men in Black, miracles, miracle diets (eat better and exercise more, you gullible fucks), that MTV really gives a rat's ass what kind of music anyone wants to see, the Myers-Briggs type indicator test, that Native Americans were saintly people with a rich understanding of life unparalleled in modern society, that 9-11 was a US government conspiracy, Noah's Ark, Nostradamus's crap, numerology, that OJ is looking for the real killers, that Oprah could tell you what a gallon of milk costs if her fucking life depended on it, Ouija boards as anything other than silly board games, out-of-body experiences, that Palestine is somehow less culpable than Israel in West Bank violence, past life regression, that pornography is inherently evil or perverse, pre-emptive war, premonitions, that producing offspring somehow makes your opinion more important than mine, psychokinesis, that the pyramids (or anything else) were built by aliens, that racism is somehow "behind us" as a national problem, that Republicans--as a general rule--are anything less than terrified of black America, the Roswell encounter, that rural Americans have any concept of or interest in the problems of hundreds of millions of urban Americans, that the sacrifice bunt is an effective offensive tool in baseball, that Saint John's Wort alleviates depression, Santa Claus, Satan, school prayer, school vouchers, Scientology, that the sexual peccadillos of public officials are in any way relevant in evaluating job performance, shamans, the Shroud of Turin, that Social Security will be around to support me when I retire, spontaneous human combustion, that Starbucks is really that evil, that teachers--as a general rule--are really underpaid, that Texas barbecue is superior in any way to Tennessee or North Carolina barbecue, that tighty-whiteys are in any way superior to boxers, Transcendental Meditation, trickle-down economics, UFOs, vampires, videogames/movies/music/tv in any way being causative of youth violence, voodoo, that warblogging--with only the rarest exceptions--is anything other ideological masturbation, that white people from middle-class or affluent backgrounds can learn to play the blues, that whistling after dark attracts evil spirits, werewolves, Wicca, that Winona was researching a role, the yin-yang, zombies
